Sunday, July 1, 2012

Relinquishment...... I know it has been forever, I have not updated in eons, sorry about that. I was dreading this post, but it has to be done....October 12th 2007, was the hardest day of my life, it was the day that I had to just sign some papers to make it official that my child, who I loved to the depths of my soul, was someone else'es. Lori, my adoption counselor at the time (who is amazing and I love so much!) was on her way to the hospital. Now, you can't have any drugs in your system at the time of signing adoption papers because they want you of "sound mind". So needless to say, I was already in physical pain but what I was about to experience emotionally would FAR outweigh the physical pain. It was about 11am or so when Lori got there, with all the papers. The nurse brought Charlie in the room and Lori suggested that I just take some time alone with him, honestly I didn't want to do this, I knew that I was already struggling in my mind that I didn't want to do this, I wanted to back out, I wanted to take him home. But, I had made a promise and I kept thinking that I needed to be level headed and clear minded about this. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that he needed to be with Mark and Kate, I thought back to all the times that I had had answers to my prayers while pregnant about what to do, but it is SO HARD to follow your mind when your heart is wrapped up in this little bundle of blue in your lap. So everyone left the room and Charlie and I were alone, I just talked to him, I told him that I know that he would not understand my choice while he was little and that he may even hate me for it at times, but I know that it is the right thing to do and that Mark and Kate are his rightful Daddy and Mommy, they just couldn't get him here. I told him how much I love him and that he will never be out of my thoughts. I explained to him my reason for my choice and how hard it was to come to my decision and that I wanted to back out now. Do you know what that little man did, he just smiled at me, I am not kidding you, our souls connected and something amazing happened, NO JOKE a voice came into my head, as little Charlie smiled at me and said, "He knows exactly what you are saying, he has an adult spirit." That made me feel so much better, but also was a strange emotion, how would I look at an adult and say "I don't think I would be the best person to take care of you, so I am putting you in someone else's hands?" I hated that feeling. After that, I just snuggled him and cried, when I was ready I called everyone else into the room. The nurse asked me if I wanted Charlie
left in there with us, I asked that he be removed from the room, this was going to be hard enough as it was, I didn't want to have to look over and see what I was giving up, I may never have signed. LET ME TELL YOU, you don't just sign one copy of everything, you sign 10!!! Yes, 10! OH MY GOSH, talk about torture, I was bawling, I could not see the paper or words through my tears, and every document (there are about 12, if I remember correctly) was explained to me and the wording is horrible, I don't remember exact phrasing just that it makes you feel like crap. I am crying, Mark and Kate are crying and so is my mom. After everything is signed, I kind of just wanted to be alone and crawl into a hole, but I knew I couldn't, this was the last few hours I would get to spend with Charlie in the hospital. They brought Charlie back in and My mom just held him in the window seat, rocking him and crying. Lori was telling me how good I did and how strong I was, but I knew I had to be the strong one and that if I fell apart everyone would fall apart, I knew I had to just get through it. I knew that if I thought to much about what I was actually doing or took a break, I would have never signed one of those papers. The last few hours were surreal, I don't think it really hit me what I had just done or the magnitude of it all. I spent some more time with Charlie and Mark and Kate and it was kind of odd, they just kind of packed him up and left, didn't let my Mom say good bye to Charlie, just left. That really hurt my feelings. Then I asked my Dr. if I could go home. She agreed since my mom is a labor and delivery nurse and my Dr. lived 2 blocks away. I just didn't want to be there with all those mothers and babies, without Charlie. I went home, I remember sitting in a chair in my moms family room and I was just crying, no sound, but my eyes would not stop. I was so empty, what had I just done? Had I done the right thing? How would life go on? How would I ever feel normal again? How was literally this hole in my heart be filled in, or ever even feel okay again? How would I live now? I just remember this flood of emotion. Life would never be the same as I knew it. Never. That night I tried to sleep in my own room but woke up in hysterics, I could not control it, I couldn't breathe. I has to go and get my mom, she came and laid down with me in my bed, I could not calm down, I kept asking her, "What if he is cold? What if he is hungry? What if he is crying" I could not think of anything else. It consumed me, this feeling of being out of control and not being able to take care of my baby. My mom just held my hand and kept telling me he was okay and that Mark and Kate were taking good care of him and that I had to trust them. It took me a long time to calm down, I remember finally falling asleep but still not being able to catch my breath. I could not shake the feeling of that I was no longer responsible for him, I felt horrible, I felt lost, I felt like a failure. This feeling did not leave me for a long time. It sometimes still creeps back in.....I try to kick it out when it does.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

October 10th, 2007, Meeting Charlie....

First off, I know! I am sorry, I am a HORRIBLE person!! LOL I have taken forever to write a new post....I was having a really hard time after that last one emotionally and had to take a break....but I am SO happy to report that I attended the Colorado F.S.A. weekend and my birthmom batteries are recharged!!!! Full Speed ahead!!!

So we left off me getting wheeled in to the O.R. to receive my Spinal....the scariest part of this whole thing right??.....WRONG!!! So a piece of cake! I guess I am stronger and braver than I thought!! LOL
So I get my spinal and I am a happy camper, my mom and Kate come into the room and I was not feeling a took about 15 min to deliver Charlie. I honestly did not feel a thing, no pulling tugging, notta! It was AMAZING!! LOL So they pull out this 6 lbs. 7 oz., 18 1/2 inch, perfect, beautiful, amazing baby boy out of me at 5:35 pm. I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!!!!.......You know how you hear people say.."Wait till you have kids, you would do anything for them and it is this instantaneous love that could over power anything." Well, I had heard that all my life and let me tell you a little secret......THIS IS THE MOST TRUE, POWERFUL THING ON THIS PLANET!!!! This little tiny cry came out of this perfect little bald baby boy and my, heart, my mind, my soul, my guts, my every fiber of my being was IN LOVE, the BEST kind of love our Heavenly Father ever created!!! I would fight a tiger for this little boy that I have known for 15 second and has been growing under my heart for the last 8 months. Sure I loved him while he was growing inside of me, making me sicker than a dog, and kicking me in the ribs everyday, LOL But this was different. This was NO Matter what Charlie did I would love and protect him to the ends of the earth no matter what kinda love!! That is powerful!!!
So they cleaned him up, asked me if Kate could bring him over to me, I said of course, and they wrapped him up in a little receiving blanket (I still sleep with that blanket every night) and handed him to Kate, she kissed him and walked over to me and put him near my face....Now remember that love I was talking about in the last paragraph?? Okay, now that I have seen his perfect, beautiful little face it just compounded by a kazillion (that IS a real number) and this was the first time I thought, "I don't know if I can do this, He is perfect and he is mine, how am I ever going to part with him?" But I couldn't think about that now. I had just witnessed a miracle, Charlie Mark was brought into this world, my world stood still. Kate just held him, kissed him and let the tears flow freely, I can't blame her, he is perfect!! My mom looked at him and kissed him, then the nurses told Kate they had to take him to the nursery. He was having a little bit of a problem breathing, this is normal for babies that are born a few weeks early, their lungs are "sticky" so they just put them on a breathing machine for a few hours and usually they are good to go.
Kate was so cute, she was worried about him and sat there at his bed side in the nursery and held his little perfect hand. Mark by this time had gotten to meet his son, he came into my room with tears in his eyes, came over to my bed and kissed me on the head and whispered, "Thank you, he is perfect." So I am a huge nerd and had this irrational fear my whole pregnancy that Charlie would come out ugly and that Mark and Kate would change their minds, they would just laugh and me and tell me I was silly and that they would love him no matter what. So I had to ask right, LOL I looked up and said, "Mark are you sure he is not ugly and that you still want him." I don't know if it was the drugs talking because I thought he was the most amazing thing I had seen to date!! LOL But Mark through his tears started laughing (my favorite emotion) and said, "You silly girl, he could not be any cuter." I am glad we were on the same page with his cuteness factor. LOL

My hospital experience was the most beautiful, spiritual, emotionally hard, happy, sucky, amazing 3 days of my life. We all shared Charlie, his family and my family. There was no jealousy, awkwardness, just love, love that permeated everything. We were just one big happy family melded together in love over this perfect little man who would change all of our lives forever. The nurses said, we were "weird" LOL I asked why and they said that normally their adoption situations are just awkward, two different rooms, who gets the baby when, we were just all together all of the time.
Oh so My sister Shannon was induced and labored for about 9 hours before she had to be rushed in for an Emergency C-Section. Canyon was born at about 1am, same Dr. delivered both of our boys. She was amazing. So Canyon and Charlie are about 8 hours apart but have different birthdays. Crazy I know. Charlie and Canyon spent a little bit of time chill laxin in the same bassinet, getting to know one another. LOL it was crazy to think that potentially these cousins might never meet again.....
Anyway, next up....Relinquishment....Quite possibly the hardest blog entry I may ever have to write.....

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The big day....Already???

So here I was October, 10th 2007 so a little after a month before my due date (Nov. 2nd) Actually this was my first appointment of the "every week" appointments at the end of your pregnancy. I had an appointment at 10am that morning. I go in to the Dr. office, check in, pee in a cup, and take a seat. Who should walk in but my little sister Shannon, she was due on October 5th and now is over due and miserable! Hey fancy seeing you here, we chat giggling! I get called back into my room, I am sure that Shannon shortly got called into her room, because what followed were the events that changed my life FOREVER!!! My Dr. came in and took my blood pressure and it was really high. She said "Oh that is not good", looked at my chart and it had just been getting worse over the last two months. Patted me on the knee and said I will be right back. Disappeared for about 10 min and came back....I have good news and bad news, what do you want first? I asked for the good..."You won't be pregnant much longer." "And the bad?", I asked. "Well," She replied "Shannon needs to be induced today too." What?? Are you kidding me?? I am not ready I thought! She told me that my blood pressure was out of control and I could not wait any longer and Shannon's little one was getting too fat, she was already a week past her due date. So my Dr. said that she wanted to do a quick ultrasound to see Charlies position and wouldn't you know it.....He was breach! The little bugger!!! The Dr. looked up and said "Your having a C-section kiddo." I asked "Can I go home, call my mom? She is in California, Mark and Kate? They live in Idaho. I don't know if they can all get here in time." She gave me a big hug and said "Don't worry we will wait for them all to get here, And NO you can not go home, your blood pressure is so high I don't want you driving or anything. Just walk over to the hospital (it was in the same parking lot) and go up to admitting. I will call them and let them know your coming." Shannon on the other hand did get to go home and pack a bag and make arrangements, lucky duck.
So I followed Dr.s orders and walked on over, went up stairs and got a triage room so that they could monitor my blood pressure and Charlie. I called Kate and when she answered the phone I said, "Hi Kate its Karen, Are you ready to be a Mommy today??" "WHAT???!!!" I heard on the other end, "Really, today? Oh my gosh, for real? Mark is at work and I have to pack a bag then it is a 5 hour drive, are we going to make it?", "Yes, we are waiting for you guys of course!", I said, "just drive carefully and I will see you when you get here, I love you and I am so excited for you!" She was so cute going on about how this is like the real thing, you never know when it is going to happen! She was so cute thanking me and telling me all the things she had to do before heading out of the house. She was so so excited! Then I called my Mom, she worked in California at the time (commuting back and forth) as a labor and delivery nurse. So I called her and said "Mom, how fast can you get home?" She asked, "Why?" I said, "Well you are having two grandson's born today and I don't know that you want to miss that." She started freaking out, my mom is good at freaking out! LOL I told her the Dr. said that she could wait until that evening to start my c-section. "You're having a c-section?" she asked. "Yeah, he is breach" I replied. "What about Shannon?" She asked. "No, they are just going to induce her." Shannon would take a while though, it was her first."Who is there with you?" My mom prodded. "Just me." I responded, "I'm fine." I answered.(really I was scared to death!!) I called my little sister Christy to let her know what was going on. She said she would get there as soon as she could, she had twin 2 year olds at the time, she needed some one to come watch them.

So there I was in my triage room all by my self. I they had me hooked up to a blood pressure machine that would squeeze the crap out of my arm every 10 min. Then they put a baby monitor on my belly and wanted to watch how Charlie was responding to my blood pressure. About 20 min later my sweet Dad poked his head in the door and asked if I could use some company? I said sure. He came in and sat there in a chair and looked at me. LOL My dad is an amazing man but super super shy. So I turned on some sports for him and he was a happy camper. The nurse would come in about every 10 min because Charlie would "swim away" from the monitors and we would have to find him and reposition everything. This has alot to do with me being so over weight too. I have LOTS of layers for him to hide under! LOL So it was like playing cat and mouse all day and it got really old. LOL

Shannon showed up about an hour and a half after I did and was put in a triage room near mine. It was funny, we had my dad and little sister Christy between the two rooms all day. How convenient for them, huh! I finally got moved into a room, where they started me on Magnesium, if you have ever had it I think you will agree they make this stuff in the pit of hell! LOL It makes you SUPER out of it, moody, HOT, grumpy, but also you don't care about anything. I wanted to kill everyone around me but I was trying to be so nice! I remember the nurses telling me for how much "Mag" we have you on, you should be hating us and being mean you are the nicest mag patient we have ever had! Mean while I am thinking, If you say one more word I am going to rip out your hair and make you eat it! LOL I don't know what it is but that stuff makes you crazy. This whole time I was still having to chase Charlie around with the monitor. FUN DAY!!! Then the nurse comes in to give me a IV on the other side for fluids and other things, and she stuck me like 50 times!!! Okay, I am sure it was not 50 but my veins were crap because of the mag and I wanted to kick her in the face. I finally asked as nicely as I could if someone else can try. The next nurse got me on the first stick! Thank you!!! LOL

Then the anesthesiologist comes in to go over everything and have me sign some papers. There are a bunch of people getting me all prepped, pulling my bed from the wall and my mom and Mark and Kate are still not there. I am starting to panic. My Dr. came in and I pleaded with her, "you can't take me yet no one is here". "We are just getting you ready, so that AS SOON as they show up we are ready to go." she assured me. 10 minutes go buy and they come back into the room and start to wheel me out and I lose it, start bawling and say "I'm not ready yet, no one is here." The nurse looks down and says "Honey, don't worry, they're here." Just then My Mom, Mark and Kate come running into the room. They are thrown some white suits to put on and the nurse says, "We will call you when she has her epidural placed and we are ready for you two to come in.".............Ummmmm wait a minute EPIDURAL????? Ummmmmmm Can I pass having a HUGE needle inserted into my back!!!????? LOL My mom kisses me on the forehead, Mark gave me a big hug as I was Wheeled down the hall....This was it! I get to meet Charlie!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Pregnancy Post 2

So I apologize for all the doom and gloom on yesterdays post! LOL But hey I am just trying to be honest and real here!

So after my bum issues were not on the for front any longer. I was still sick, vomiting at least 10 times a day still. But I have to say that even though I was sicker than a dog and had "fun visitors" during pregnancy. I loved it too! Just knowing that I had a part in creating a human life and that my body was sustaining that life is such an amazing miracle to me! I loved feeling Charlie move, have hick ups, kick, and just squirm around. He was really active. He loved corn dogs, Sonic breakfast burritos, astro pop Popsicles and he LOVED peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! LOL he gave me the WORST GAS and BURPS ever!!!I wanted to cry at the drop of a hat or rip your head off if you looked at me sideways. I had never had heart burn until I was pregnant, I can not believe that people live with heartburn every day!!! How do you do it! Thankfully I have not had it since the day Charlie popped out! Even though I had a rough go of pregnancy while I was in the mist of it and swore it off forever!!!!! LOL I really did love the little quiet moments you have, just watching your belly move, talking to him, just sitting in awe and wonder of what my body was doing all on its own, it knew how to grow a child. This is a woman's divine purpose, to be able to bear children, and if I never get to have that chance again, I am so so thankful for the time I was given to experience bringing a child into this world. It is the most amazing privileges I have ever been given. I can not believe that Heavenly Father trusted me so much with one of his children to bring Charlie in to this world and to his rightful parents. I will forever be grateful!!!

So I did have some other complications in my pregnancy. I normally have great blood pressure but in about 25 weeks I developed Hypertension. It was not bad at first just something to be watched. Then I started having what I describe as "pole pains", it felt like someone was shoving a pole through my chest, I would get short of breath and would have really bad bouts where I would just have to be completely still and quiet until the pain passed. I thought is was Charlies feet in my ribs at first, but it was happening more and more when he was not even near my ribs. I took my nasty glucose test and everything there looked great. My Dr. could not figure out the chest pains though....Until one day it hit her.....Gallstones. Yep, fortunately it just takes an ultrasound to diagnose and being pregnant you can have those, as we all know. So I went in and there they were 7 little friends, hanging out in my gallbladder, I wanted to name them but thought it might be weird! LOL Just kidding!! My Dr. after seeing the results said that I have most likely had those stones for a few years but with all of the throwing up I had been doing over the last 7 months, it had stirred them up and it was time to be removed. Yet another surgery that would have to wait until after I gave birth. Really??? LOL


Saturday, January 23, 2010

Pregnacy is NO picnic!!!

So here I am it was about April (gotten pregnant in February) when I had chosen Mark and Kate as my adoptive parents. They were so so supportive, came to my Dr. appointments with me. I had been SICKER than a dog from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I was throwing up about 12-14 times a day, no joke. I couldn't go anywhere with out getting sick. I was miserable. I remember just sitting in the bathroom at the toilet, crying, "I am NEVER doing this again!!!!" We tried anti-nausea medicines and I would just throw those up to. It was BAD!! But there were parts I loved too! Feeling him move, hick-up and kick me in the ribs. LOL Oh and I forgot to tell you my little sister was also pregnant with her first at this time. She was due. October 5th and I was due November 2nd. We also had the same OB/GYN we kept her busy that year! LOL

In May, we got to go in for the sex sonogram. We all had bets what the baby was going to be, I thought it was going to be a boy from the start....and BOY was I right! Mark and Kate were sooo excited. They already had baby names chosen so we had a little Charlie Mark baking! As my pregnancy continued I never got over morning sickness! I just kept throwing up. I was not so fun!!

(This paragraph is not for those who get grossed out easily) I got hemorrhoids.......Have you ever had hemorrhoids??? They are NOT fun. I have never had one but I was so constipated that I would not go to the bathroom but once a week and when I did it would take me about an hour in the bathroom to get take care of business! Then one day my body had just had enough. I just remember that it was HUGE and hurt soooo sooooo sooooooooo bad. Burned, ached, and I couldn't sit down. I called my Dr. and she gave me some over the counter remedies and told me to call her back in 2 days if that was not helping. Two days agonizingly went by with no relief and I called her back. She called me in some suppositories to the phamacy. I have never used one before, and I have to do WHAT??? I went into the bathroom and sat down to read the instructions how to insert it and just started bawling, I asked Heavenly Father "Is this my punishment for getting pregnant out of wed lock??? I don't want to do this anymore, I change my mind. Just please make it all go away." That was one of the lowest points in my pregnancy, sitting on the toilet trying to insert a suppository! It sounds so dumb now! LOL Oh wait, it gets better! Much better!!! Can you handle more!??!! LOL

So there I was on the toilet, trying to insert this thing, and I NO JOKE for the life of me can not find where it is supposed to be inserted. You are most likely reading this going, "What, is she dumb?" but all I felt was these 3 big "bubbles" on my bum, one much bigger than to other 2. So I go out of the bathroom and ask my little sister if she could help me........I know right, can you help me find my bum??? She is soo soo sweet and helped me. I owe her my life. I found out that day how deep a sisters love is! LOL She look at them and said, "Karen, I think you should go to the Dr. those are out of control." Now, my mom is a nurse but was out of town at the time of all of this, so she didn't get a chance to see them. I called the Dr. and described them to her as my little sister had and she made me an appointment for the next morning. I went in to see my Dr. the next morning and she took one look at my bum and exclaimed, "Karen, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I had no idea they were this bad! How are you functioning?" I told her that I have never experienced a hemorrhoids before so I didn't know they were that bad. She said, "Oh, honey I am going to have to lance them and you are going to hate me. You actually need a hemorrhoidectomy but we cant put you under anesthesia while pregnant, so here I am going to put some lido-cane on them, to numb them up a little. I will be back to lance them in about 15 min." My thought, Lance?? What does that mean?? Well, 15 minutes rolled around real quick and I was about to find out!! It means cut them open with a scalpel to relive the pressure and let them drain.......Ummmmm NOT fun, I thought I was going to climb up the wall!!!! It hurt so bad! Then I had to continue with suppositories 3 times a day and take 3 warm salt baths a day and soak for at least an hour in each bath. Needless to say I could no longer work....LOL

So that laid me up for a good month, getting over those. I was still continually sick and throwing up as well. By this time in my pregnancy I had lost about 50 pounds from being so sick. (Don't worry, I had that much weight I could afford to lose.)

Pregnancy fun will continue in the next post! Thanks soooo much for reading and I thank all of you for the comments! This is already healing for me!

Can I parent??

So there I was pregnant, single, scared and so so sick! I bravely went to my moms house to tell her. I was so so scared that she would come un-glued. I sat her down and told her, "I'm Pregnant, and I don't want you to be mad, because I already thought about it and I am thinking adoption would be the best." She just sat there and said, "whatever you think is best." You see, my mom got pregnant for me in High school and when her mom found out that she was expecting me, she shipped her off so that no one would know. So my mom spent her pregnancy with a few others girls that were placing their babies for adoption. My mom gave birth to me (it was a LONG, hard labor for her). I guess once she saw me, it was really hard for her to give me up, and back in the 70's I would go into foster care and she would not know who my adoptive parents were. That was hard for her. So after a short time, she took me back. So really she felt like she had not place to say what I would do with my baby.

Reasons I choose adoption:
I know how important it is for a child to grow up in a two parent home, I wanted him to have a mommy and a daddy from the start.
I wanted him to have the blessing of a forever family and be sealed in the temple to his family....I hope I will have this some day, but I could not give this too him at the time of birth.
I NEVER wanted to have to work 60 hours a weeks and he be in daycare all that time, away from me just so that I could support us.
I didn't want to tell him I couldn't afford something like Karate, or sports that he wanted to participate in.
I DID NOT EVER want him to be confused by men that I would potentially date. Or having men in and out of my life.
I did not want him to EVER feel like he didn't belong in "our" family, once I got married and had other children with another man. (I struggled alot with this growing up)
I wanted him to have EVERYTHING, I felt I could not give that to him being single.
His father was in NO way, shape or form ready to be a father!!!
I choose and open adoption, so that nothing would be a "secret" and that he can know me when ever he is ready. I hope that one day we will have a wonderful relationship.
I have seen my single mother girlfriend struggle with parenting, and sometimes get frustrated at their children for it. I did not want Charlie to ever feel that frustration.
I knew it was right, I prayed about it and KNEW he was not mine to keep at this time. I would get to be an amazing mother, it was just not now. So I did what was best for Charlie, he is all that matters! If I would have done what was best for me, Adoption would have never crossed my mind, but it this is not at all about me, my world revolves around him and what is best for him. Finding his rightful family...that is what is best for him!

Then I went back to LDS family services to look through family files. I was silly if they had on dorky clothes or bad shoes I skipped them. Hey, you need some way of picking out adoptive families! LOL I know I am dumb, but it worked for me! I mean really, this is not like picking out a new dress, this is picking your childs prospective parents.....Where does one even start?????

So started the task of looking for adoptive families....I e-mail all the people that I liked and told them how I saw my perfect adoption situation would go....I wanted an open adoption. I wanted to receive pictures and e-mails throughout my child's life. I wanted to be able to send presents, cards and letters. I wanted my child to know that my door is ALWAYS open and when they feel it is right to meet. So as I e-mailed I explained all this to potential families..... I think it is VERY important to have an strong idea of how you want your adoption situation to look. As I have found out, if you are not planted in what you want, adoptive parents WILL try to sway you believe it or not! I would get e-mails like "We don't know how we feel about you wanted to send cards and gifts" or "You will change your mind, it will be really hard on you to receive pictures" Keep in mind, if you know what you want, DON'T settle! There will be adoptive parents out there that want the same as you, that is when you know this is your adoptive family. I found some families that I really liked and connected with, but they turned out to be pushy and abrasive. Not for me. So I started round 2. I had two couples that I really, really liked and we set up a face to face meeting. We set them up on the same day (I think that is really important, because both of your opinions are fresh in your mind. You don't favor one over the other, it is all level playing field.) So I met the couple I liked the best from our e-mails so far. I don't even remember their names, funny huh? So They walked into the room and there was NO chemistry, I think that chemistry is important when choosing parents. But that is just me. Anyway, they were bickering the whole time and it was just awkward the whole time. I was really worried, I really, really liked them on paper. They left and I started to cry, what was I going to do? I really liked them before I met them!!!! What the heck! Was my judgement that off?? Next we had an appointment with Mark and Kate, I liked them, but not as much as the first couple. They walked into the room.......

It was amazing!!!! They were it!!! I knew! Right then! I looked into their eyes, Kate was already crying. I hugged each of them and there was such a beautiful peaceful spirit that filled that room of love, acceptance, peace and knowledge that I was doing the right thing and that these were my beautiful perfect babies parents. I wanted a family that did not yet have babies (again a personal choice for each birth mom)I just loved the idea of helping a couple start their little family. We had an amazing meeting that day. Visiting, laughing, talking about the "perfect" situation. I left feeling confident, happy, excited, nervous, sad (this means, I am doing what it right and I don't get to parent right now). So I went home and prayed about my feelings, asking my Heavenly Father for strength and advice. I know how much our Heavenly Father loves each of us and wants us to come to him with our questions and concerns, not just the BIG HUGE monstrous things but the little day to day things as well. So I got down on my knees and asked, "I'm I doing the right thing? Please help me to know and guide me to the right couple. Are Mark and Kate my babies parents? Please Heavenly Father I need your help." There was a TON more, I think that was the longest most heart felt prayer I had ever prayed. I got up off my knees and had a peaceful feeling. Then all night I dreamt about Mark and Kate, driving in a car and looking into the back seat with a baby in a car seat, and all different situations with Mark and Kate and my baby. That morning I knew it was right.

My mom and I went to the store and got a bunch of uni-sex baby supplies, we made a big basket of the stuff, a card and inside the card, my babies first sonogram picture. He was just that tiniest peanut!!! My mom and I called Mark and Kate and asked them if we could talk to them again, we had some more questions for them. They agreed and we were to meet at the park that day. So we met at the park and I announced that I had chosen them to parent my baby. We all cried happy tears! We were at the park a good two hours and Kate had the little sonogram picture on her knee the whole time. She said "This is my favorite picture of all time!" That meant a lot to me! I loved it! I asked her too, why she cried the day before when we met. Her response was "I knew that you were going to have to tell another couple "NO" and we have been there and it hurts. I just knew you were our birth mom from the beginning" Mark and Kate are so amazing! So we all 3 start the adventure of pregnancy together!........

Thursday, January 21, 2010

My first Charlie blog

So this is my first attempt at blogging. I don't know how many of you out there will read this or take this to heart, But this subject to me is life changing, altering, blessing and trying. I just want to get some things out there that I think are important about the adoption process, feelings, UPS!! and DOWNS!!!!!!!.

So let me first introduce myself. My name is Karen, I am now 30 (28, when I placed). I come from a family of 6 children, me being the second. I was brought up in an LDS (Mormon) home in California. Life was normal, fun, hectic, religious and hard at times growing up. At 26 my family all made the move to Utah. I moved to Provo to experience life in a college town and had so much fun! In August of 2006 I met Chad (Charlie's father) on myspace. We talked for a while before meeting (about 5 weeks) . We met and started dating. We had sex in early Feb. (one time!!!) and broke up. I did not want to be having sex, now it takes two to tango I completely understand that, but I did not want sex before marriage (personal belief). So we broke up. Six weeks later I was sicker than a dog, continually throwing up and I could not stop. I was with my best friend Meranda and I remember sitting on her bed with a trash can throwing up for like the 60th time in 2 days saying "I don't even know what to do any more." She suggested we go to the hospital. So we went, the Dr was asking me all kinds of questions...he got to...."Could you be pregnant?" Like a dummy, because Meranda was there I said "Are you kidding, that would be like immaculate conception!" I was embarrassed that I had messed up morally and didn't want Meranda to know....besides there was "NO" way I could be pregnant! Well, blood and urine tests, revealed I was indeed pregnant! WHAT! How could this be???? Are you kidding me! I will be honest my first reaction was what are my "options". I personally don't believe in abortion but I will be honest when you are in that situation your reactions are not what you thing they will be. So we went home. I was SHOCKED!!! It took a while to set in. Now I was raised with high moral standards, HOW ON EARTH WAS I GOING TO TELL MY MOM???? Keep in mind I was 28, plenty old enough to be having a baby by society standards. But Chad and I had broken up and he was in NO WAY ready to be a father. I wanted my baby to have the best chances ever! This world is a scary place and I have watched girlfriends go through the ups and downs of being a single parent and I didn't want that for my baby, I wanted the stability of a two parent home.

So I thought long and hard about it. I went and saw an adoption counselor at LDS social services, just to see how they ran things and see what adoption entailed. I was very blessed to see the blessings of adoption in my own family. Melisse my older sister and her husband Ken are not able to get pregnant so they have adopted two children. I see how much she loves her babies and that adoption does not change the way you feel about your children. But I wondered HOW ON EARTH would I place my baby with another family, if that indeed was what was best for him??? I talked to Melisse about adoption and we even discussed her and Ken adopting my baby. I still had not told my mom or family except Melisse at this point. I was confused, scared, sad yet excited. After all I have ALWAYS wanted so so much to be a mother. But was this the right time in my life to parent?

So I will continue this on a daily basis for now, I am sure that once it is caught up to date it will slow down, but I just know that If I help ONE girl who is or was or will be in my situation grappling with the decision of adoption and I help or give her any insight what so ever my blog will have been more than worth it! I encourage any questions or comments. I intend for this blog to be raw and honest. You may not like what I say or agree with what I do or how I handle things. But this is my journey.