Sunday, July 1, 2012

Relinquishment...... I know it has been forever, I have not updated in eons, sorry about that. I was dreading this post, but it has to be done....October 12th 2007, was the hardest day of my life, it was the day that I had to just sign some papers to make it official that my child, who I loved to the depths of my soul, was someone else'es. Lori, my adoption counselor at the time (who is amazing and I love so much!) was on her way to the hospital. Now, you can't have any drugs in your system at the time of signing adoption papers because they want you of "sound mind". So needless to say, I was already in physical pain but what I was about to experience emotionally would FAR outweigh the physical pain. It was about 11am or so when Lori got there, with all the papers. The nurse brought Charlie in the room and Lori suggested that I just take some time alone with him, honestly I didn't want to do this, I knew that I was already struggling in my mind that I didn't want to do this, I wanted to back out, I wanted to take him home. But, I had made a promise and I kept thinking that I needed to be level headed and clear minded about this. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that he needed to be with Mark and Kate, I thought back to all the times that I had had answers to my prayers while pregnant about what to do, but it is SO HARD to follow your mind when your heart is wrapped up in this little bundle of blue in your lap. So everyone left the room and Charlie and I were alone, I just talked to him, I told him that I know that he would not understand my choice while he was little and that he may even hate me for it at times, but I know that it is the right thing to do and that Mark and Kate are his rightful Daddy and Mommy, they just couldn't get him here. I told him how much I love him and that he will never be out of my thoughts. I explained to him my reason for my choice and how hard it was to come to my decision and that I wanted to back out now. Do you know what that little man did, he just smiled at me, I am not kidding you, our souls connected and something amazing happened, NO JOKE a voice came into my head, as little Charlie smiled at me and said, "He knows exactly what you are saying, he has an adult spirit." That made me feel so much better, but also was a strange emotion, how would I look at an adult and say "I don't think I would be the best person to take care of you, so I am putting you in someone else's hands?" I hated that feeling. After that, I just snuggled him and cried, when I was ready I called everyone else into the room. The nurse asked me if I wanted Charlie
left in there with us, I asked that he be removed from the room, this was going to be hard enough as it was, I didn't want to have to look over and see what I was giving up, I may never have signed. LET ME TELL YOU, you don't just sign one copy of everything, you sign 10!!! Yes, 10! OH MY GOSH, talk about torture, I was bawling, I could not see the paper or words through my tears, and every document (there are about 12, if I remember correctly) was explained to me and the wording is horrible, I don't remember exact phrasing just that it makes you feel like crap. I am crying, Mark and Kate are crying and so is my mom. After everything is signed, I kind of just wanted to be alone and crawl into a hole, but I knew I couldn't, this was the last few hours I would get to spend with Charlie in the hospital. They brought Charlie back in and My mom just held him in the window seat, rocking him and crying. Lori was telling me how good I did and how strong I was, but I knew I had to be the strong one and that if I fell apart everyone would fall apart, I knew I had to just get through it. I knew that if I thought to much about what I was actually doing or took a break, I would have never signed one of those papers. The last few hours were surreal, I don't think it really hit me what I had just done or the magnitude of it all. I spent some more time with Charlie and Mark and Kate and it was kind of odd, they just kind of packed him up and left, didn't let my Mom say good bye to Charlie, just left. That really hurt my feelings. Then I asked my Dr. if I could go home. She agreed since my mom is a labor and delivery nurse and my Dr. lived 2 blocks away. I just didn't want to be there with all those mothers and babies, without Charlie. I went home, I remember sitting in a chair in my moms family room and I was just crying, no sound, but my eyes would not stop. I was so empty, what had I just done? Had I done the right thing? How would life go on? How would I ever feel normal again? How was literally this hole in my heart be filled in, or ever even feel okay again? How would I live now? I just remember this flood of emotion. Life would never be the same as I knew it. Never. That night I tried to sleep in my own room but woke up in hysterics, I could not control it, I couldn't breathe. I has to go and get my mom, she came and laid down with me in my bed, I could not calm down, I kept asking her, "What if he is cold? What if he is hungry? What if he is crying" I could not think of anything else. It consumed me, this feeling of being out of control and not being able to take care of my baby. My mom just held my hand and kept telling me he was okay and that Mark and Kate were taking good care of him and that I had to trust them. It took me a long time to calm down, I remember finally falling asleep but still not being able to catch my breath. I could not shake the feeling of that I was no longer responsible for him, I felt horrible, I felt lost, I felt like a failure. This feeling did not leave me for a long time. It sometimes still creeps back in.....I try to kick it out when it does.

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