Saturday, January 23, 2010

Can I parent??

So there I was pregnant, single, scared and so so sick! I bravely went to my moms house to tell her. I was so so scared that she would come un-glued. I sat her down and told her, "I'm Pregnant, and I don't want you to be mad, because I already thought about it and I am thinking adoption would be the best." She just sat there and said, "whatever you think is best." You see, my mom got pregnant for me in High school and when her mom found out that she was expecting me, she shipped her off so that no one would know. So my mom spent her pregnancy with a few others girls that were placing their babies for adoption. My mom gave birth to me (it was a LONG, hard labor for her). I guess once she saw me, it was really hard for her to give me up, and back in the 70's I would go into foster care and she would not know who my adoptive parents were. That was hard for her. So after a short time, she took me back. So really she felt like she had not place to say what I would do with my baby.

Reasons I choose adoption:
I know how important it is for a child to grow up in a two parent home, I wanted him to have a mommy and a daddy from the start.
I wanted him to have the blessing of a forever family and be sealed in the temple to his family....I hope I will have this some day, but I could not give this too him at the time of birth.
I NEVER wanted to have to work 60 hours a weeks and he be in daycare all that time, away from me just so that I could support us.
I didn't want to tell him I couldn't afford something like Karate, or sports that he wanted to participate in.
I DID NOT EVER want him to be confused by men that I would potentially date. Or having men in and out of my life.
I did not want him to EVER feel like he didn't belong in "our" family, once I got married and had other children with another man. (I struggled alot with this growing up)
I wanted him to have EVERYTHING, I felt I could not give that to him being single.
His father was in NO way, shape or form ready to be a father!!!
I choose and open adoption, so that nothing would be a "secret" and that he can know me when ever he is ready. I hope that one day we will have a wonderful relationship.
I have seen my single mother girlfriend struggle with parenting, and sometimes get frustrated at their children for it. I did not want Charlie to ever feel that frustration.
I knew it was right, I prayed about it and KNEW he was not mine to keep at this time. I would get to be an amazing mother, it was just not now. So I did what was best for Charlie, he is all that matters! If I would have done what was best for me, Adoption would have never crossed my mind, but it this is not at all about me, my world revolves around him and what is best for him. Finding his rightful family...that is what is best for him!

Then I went back to LDS family services to look through family files. I was silly if they had on dorky clothes or bad shoes I skipped them. Hey, you need some way of picking out adoptive families! LOL I know I am dumb, but it worked for me! I mean really, this is not like picking out a new dress, this is picking your childs prospective parents.....Where does one even start?????

So started the task of looking for adoptive families....I e-mail all the people that I liked and told them how I saw my perfect adoption situation would go....I wanted an open adoption. I wanted to receive pictures and e-mails throughout my child's life. I wanted to be able to send presents, cards and letters. I wanted my child to know that my door is ALWAYS open and when they feel it is right to meet. So as I e-mailed I explained all this to potential families..... I think it is VERY important to have an strong idea of how you want your adoption situation to look. As I have found out, if you are not planted in what you want, adoptive parents WILL try to sway you believe it or not! I would get e-mails like "We don't know how we feel about you wanted to send cards and gifts" or "You will change your mind, it will be really hard on you to receive pictures" Keep in mind, if you know what you want, DON'T settle! There will be adoptive parents out there that want the same as you, that is when you know this is your adoptive family. I found some families that I really liked and connected with, but they turned out to be pushy and abrasive. Not for me. So I started round 2. I had two couples that I really, really liked and we set up a face to face meeting. We set them up on the same day (I think that is really important, because both of your opinions are fresh in your mind. You don't favor one over the other, it is all level playing field.) So I met the couple I liked the best from our e-mails so far. I don't even remember their names, funny huh? So They walked into the room and there was NO chemistry, I think that chemistry is important when choosing parents. But that is just me. Anyway, they were bickering the whole time and it was just awkward the whole time. I was really worried, I really, really liked them on paper. They left and I started to cry, what was I going to do? I really liked them before I met them!!!! What the heck! Was my judgement that off?? Next we had an appointment with Mark and Kate, I liked them, but not as much as the first couple. They walked into the room.......

It was amazing!!!! They were it!!! I knew! Right then! I looked into their eyes, Kate was already crying. I hugged each of them and there was such a beautiful peaceful spirit that filled that room of love, acceptance, peace and knowledge that I was doing the right thing and that these were my beautiful perfect babies parents. I wanted a family that did not yet have babies (again a personal choice for each birth mom)I just loved the idea of helping a couple start their little family. We had an amazing meeting that day. Visiting, laughing, talking about the "perfect" situation. I left feeling confident, happy, excited, nervous, sad (this means, I am doing what it right and I don't get to parent right now). So I went home and prayed about my feelings, asking my Heavenly Father for strength and advice. I know how much our Heavenly Father loves each of us and wants us to come to him with our questions and concerns, not just the BIG HUGE monstrous things but the little day to day things as well. So I got down on my knees and asked, "I'm I doing the right thing? Please help me to know and guide me to the right couple. Are Mark and Kate my babies parents? Please Heavenly Father I need your help." There was a TON more, I think that was the longest most heart felt prayer I had ever prayed. I got up off my knees and had a peaceful feeling. Then all night I dreamt about Mark and Kate, driving in a car and looking into the back seat with a baby in a car seat, and all different situations with Mark and Kate and my baby. That morning I knew it was right.

My mom and I went to the store and got a bunch of uni-sex baby supplies, we made a big basket of the stuff, a card and inside the card, my babies first sonogram picture. He was just that tiniest peanut!!! My mom and I called Mark and Kate and asked them if we could talk to them again, we had some more questions for them. They agreed and we were to meet at the park that day. So we met at the park and I announced that I had chosen them to parent my baby. We all cried happy tears! We were at the park a good two hours and Kate had the little sonogram picture on her knee the whole time. She said "This is my favorite picture of all time!" That meant a lot to me! I loved it! I asked her too, why she cried the day before when we met. Her response was "I knew that you were going to have to tell another couple "NO" and we have been there and it hurts. I just knew you were our birth mom from the beginning" Mark and Kate are so amazing! So we all 3 start the adventure of pregnancy together!........


  1. I LOVE how you said you knew they were "it" right then. I too experienced that same feeling when I met my Aparents. And I think your gift was a heartfelt, wonderful way of announcing your decision to them. I look forward to reading more!

  2. Karen- You are so awesome! I have such fond memories of you and your family back in the Roseville days of my life! You are so brave to share this journey of yours with others. There is a 19 year old girl in my ward who is due to have a baby next month and I've thought of her quite a bit lately. I am going to try to figure out a way to share your blog with her and hopefully not be too pushy! She is planning on keeping the baby, you see. Maybe your blog will plant a seed in her heart. Keep up the great work, God Bless and thanks for sharing this experience with others!

  3. Karen,
    I'm Cindy from the birth mothers support group... So you are LDS? I am too.. I'm not a birth mom but an adoptive mom.. Anyway I love your story and thats the way that it should feel.. Love it..